Common Mistakes Made When Setting Boundaries

Automatically transcribed, so the wording is close but not exact.

Macie: Hey friends, welcome back to another episode of This Is Not Your Practice Life podcast. I'm so excited to have you joining me today. Just as a heads up, if you are unfamiliar with the immersion collection, know that that is still open for enrollment for a couple more weeks. It will likely close around the middle of April, around maybe April 15th. So if that is something you're interested in doing, just be sure that you sign up. prior and if you want one of two options ⁓ for no additional cost a bonus that you can choose and it doesn't cost you anything extra to add it on you would just want to make sure that you enroll in the immersion collection by March 31st. Okay, there's the option for paying monthly there's option for paying a full and there's also the option for financing with a firm.

So if you have any questions my recommendation is to schedule a consult and then we can talk about what the options are and how this one year of the immersion collection can really move you forward in your life, whether it's big things you want or small or a little blend of both. Okay. So today we're going to actually dive into boundaries. Early, early on in my podcast, I did an episode called For the Love of Boundaries. And for many years, that was one of the number one episodes most listened to on the podcast. And I think it's because it's a very difficult thing to do sometimes to set boundaries, but vital for the true health of our relationships and not even because we can fix or change or control other people because that's not what a boundary is for, which I'll talk about, but for our own mental and emotional wellbeing.

So I wanted to rehash boundaries and update this episode because I think that there are some ways that people think about boundaries wrong and I want to bring attention to it so that when you're setting a boundary, you feel good about it, you feel empowered, and you know the true purpose of a boundary. So here are the things with boundaries. And before actually I get into it, let me rewind and just share a lot of like telltale signs that maybe someone needs to set boundaries in their life. So a lot of times what happens in life is We get to a place where we don't really feel ⁓ equally empowered in certain relationships. Now, these can be friendships. It can be ⁓ family relationships. can be romantic relationships.

What happens is there's kind of like a misaligned balance in how we are communicating and operating within these relationships. And usually, What this looks like too is there is maybe like a dominant personality or a person that expects certain things because we've operated and behaved a certain way our entire life. And that's just what is to be expected. So a lot of times this misalignment after a while starts to be felt. And I feel like the misalignment or the misbalance in our relationships start to be felt. when one of the people in this relationship or party becomes very self-aware of everything that's happening in their life, in their relationships, know, what maybe they have even created within a relationship dynamic.

Once there's awareness of that, then I think it becomes almost impossible not to be clear on certain boundaries. So I'll give you some examples of how this shows up. let's say you're in ⁓ a relationship and it feels like your partner maybe speaks to you like they would speak to a child or they, you know, the way that they say things a lot of times comes from almost a parental energy, not so much a partner energy. You might start to feel the strain of that in a relationship after a while, especially when you become aware ⁓ of the fact that it no longer feels good. It's not working for you. Like maybe it's something you just accepted your entire life. And maybe also you don't want tension, you don't want arguments, you don't want to be at odds with this partner that you love.

And so you've just accepted it. Well, a lot of times what leads to boundaries needing to be had is that something that once worked in a dynamic or something that we have suppressed in a dynamic no longer works. We're no longer happy with it. We don't want it anymore. And we feel like the person that is quote, doing it to us needs to change. They need to change everything about what they're doing. They need to change who they are. We're not going to take this thing anymore that they do or how they say it or what they say. And so we were like kind of lost because we're feeling this tension. This is where boundaries can be very, very helpful and very powerful in your own life. and P. S. there are a million ways.

That was just one example of hundreds of examples I could give around boundaries. Okay. Just one. But with this being said, when we get to this point of needing a boundary, the mistake that I see people making all the time is that they believe this boundary is going to change another human being. It's going to ⁓ maybe control the behavior of the human being. And I want to be very crystal clear. that when you set a boundary, it's not to force anybody into changing. It's not to try and control someone's behavior. It's not to make them different. We set boundaries for ourselves. We set boundaries as a loving rule for ourselves to follow through with. We aren't trying to change other humans or their behavior because every single person in this world as something called free will.

Everybody gets to operate the way that they want to operate. When we're in relationships with people, friendships with people, family dynamics with people, we hope that people would just honor our wishes, our boundaries, our kind of rules, so to speak. But just because we want them to do that doesn't mean that they have to. They get to make that choice. So a boundary is put in place for what you're going to do. If a certain kind of behavior way that they're doing something no longer works for you, it's a loving rule that you put in place to be really clear with them around your expectations and what you're going to do if are not changes or that boundary is not honored. So for example, I'll tell you a boundary right off the bat that I have with any person my life.

⁓ I grew with a lot hearing a lot of like verbal abuse, a lot of yelling, a lot of screaming for, you know, adults when I was a child or young adult to convey a point, my family, many people in my family resorted to yelling and to screaming. I've never responded well when people raise their voice and yell and scream because it was always done in a very abusive way growing up, derogatory, name calling, just unhealthy way of communication. As an adult that knows better and as an adult that prioritizes emotionally regulating, I have very strong boundaries around this. If someone starts raising their voice and I make them aware of it and they don't change it, one of my boundaries are that I will walk away from a conversation I will not continue to have a productive conversation.

I will remove myself from the environment if someone chooses to continue talking that way. So when I set a boundary, it's not saying like, you have to change this about yourself. You have to stop yelling. You can't be this person. The boundary is if you continue to operate this way or yell in this way or continue to raise your voice or use, you know, explicits or whatever it is in this way of communicating, my boundary is that I will remove myself from the environment. I will not entertain or continue to have this conversation with you. Period. Right? I'm not saying you have to be different. I'm not saying you have to change. I'm not saying that if you're used to 20 or 30 years of communicating that way that you have to do like that for me.

What I'm being very clear on is the loving boundary that I have for myself. I'm not going to stay in this kind of situation or environment while you're doing that. You know, if you can't emotionally regulate that's on you. But if you're trying to have a productive conversation with me, just letting you know once I've given you kind of some insight into what I'm experiencing or seeing. If you choose to continue that way, that's your free will. But my free will is that I am walking away from this because this is not how I conversate. I will not do it. So that's one boundary that is very, very strong with me. I don't care if you are a best friend, an acquaintance, a client, a parental figure, a ⁓ sibling.

I don't care who anybody is in this situation. My husband. I can handle having hard conversations and I can handle even watching someone become emotionally activated and elevate. But when it gets to a certain point, there are boundaries there for me. If I feel like it's getting really unregulated and someone cannot control their emotional state of being and they're not willing to, then I'm just going to remove myself from the situation and we can come back to the conversation. You know, I don't have a boundary against, I'm never going to have this conversation with you again. My boundary is I'm not going to have the conversation with you while you are this elevated. So if you don't feel like you can regulate and bring it down for us to have a very team-like conversation or regulated conversation, I'm not doing the conversation with you.

You are allowed to keep screaming. You are allowed to keep yelling. You'll just probably be doing it at a wall because I will not be present for it. And if you have done that your entire life with other people who haven't set boundaries, then I can understand why maybe you're really pissed off at me for having boundaries around this and why you maybe feel like this is just who you are and you should be able to operate this way. But my boundary is that you will not operate that way with me after I've brought it to your attention. So that's the boundary. It's not changing them. I'm not asking them to do an overhaul and stop being the person that screams or yells. I'm saying. If you continue to communicate that way, you're not going to do it with me because I'm not going to sit and allow it.

so those are what boundaries are. You know, those ⁓ are kind of boundaries that you want to be setting. It has to be something that is like your rule for you. ⁓ That your responsibility to follow through on. So people are allowed to break the boundary, meaning that if I set that boundary with someone and they continue yelling, There's no point in me getting more elevated and matching their energy and yelling back at that point. If I have given a very clear boundary that I will walk away from the conversation that I'll leave the environment that we will plateau this conversation until both of us can be in a better place or they they are able to better emotionally regulate. Once I have very clearly stated that if the person continues to say like, I'm going to talk how I want, I'm going to talk to you.

However, I want to talk to you and I'm going to yell and I'm going to scream and you're going to hear me. If they get like that, it is now my responsibility to honor my boundary. And that's the mistake that I see a lot of people making. They're like, I set a boundary. I set a boundary. They get really frustrated when people aren't honoring their boundary. And I'm like, you're frustrated that you're not, you know, your boundary is not being honored, but you are the person in charge of honoring your boundary. You are the person that follows through on what you said you would do in that boundary. The boundary isn't to ever change another human being. The boundary is never to actually control another human being or think you have that power over someone because they get to live how they want to live.

They get to do what they want to do. How they do that and who they do that with depends on who has boundaries in their life. So if you have set a clear boundary and they continue, guess what? That is theirs to choose. You have to follow through on what you said you're going to do. And that's the hard part about boundaries because we think when we set one, people should just operate the way that we think that they should. And we get really mad whenever they don't. Guess what? That's, they don't have to do that. You have to honor your boundary because the boundary was set as a loving respect for yourself. Okay. So There are, I would say there are certain things that I have strong boundaries around.

Another one that has come up a lot recently is one in which I don't want to be the middle girl for drama. I don't want to be like, I'm okay holding space for people who need to vent as far as me sharing my opinion on it or becoming gossipy about it. I'm not going to do it. It's a boundary for me. I've learned that I'm, I want to be very clear in that. And part of the discomfort with that is that people have an expectation that when they're maybe venting or bringing things to you, they want to have positive ⁓ affirmation or they want to have reinforcement or be validated in what they're bringing. And I think sometimes as humans, we feel like we should, right? We should just be agreeable and we should, you know, maybe like just go along with the opinions because it's easier than creating any kind of tension or setting a boundary.

And a place that I've been at really recently in my life with certain situations that have been arising is that my boundary is that I'm not going to be agreeable just because someone expects that of me. I'm not going to validate for anything that I disagree with on either side. And I am also not willing to be gossipy. about it ⁓ without the other person being aware of what's happening. Like I don't want to, I'm not going to be a liar. I'm not going to be caught in the middle. So if something is being shared with me, my communication to that person is going to be, need to bring it to them because I'm not, I'm not about to be caught in the middle of sticky situations or drama. Now they can still bring things to me, but my loving boundary for myself has to be almost like this.

I'm not engaging with it. I'm just not going to engage with it because it's just not mine. It's not mine to carry. And that's really hard because especially in a friend dynamic, like when you want to be there for your friends, you know, and you want to be able to hear people out, sometimes that can be sticky to like really communicate with all parties involved that you don't you don't want it. You know what I mean? In certain aspects, like there's just certain aspects you're not going to give into or play into. And that can be really, really hard because maybe your friends feel betrayed or maybe they feel like they can't talk to you about certain things. But again, a boundary is something that you're very clear on with someone else.

You're very, very clear that is hard when setting a boundary and then honoring your responses when situations arise that pull you back in after you've said, want to be out or whatever the boundary may be. It's honoring yourself in it. So if that means like in my situation, just being quiet when someone's venting to me and not contributing anything, then that's what I'm doing. If that means removing myself from the environment, then that's what I'm doing. It's whatever the boundary is that I have set for that particular thing. If it's saying like, I'm going to be honest with that person, like You're not taking it to them, but I'm going to let you know I'm going to take it to them because it's not fair for them not to be aware of it.

know, boundaries can be sticky and boundaries can be hard, but you have to remember it's a loving rule for yourself. It's never to control what someone else does in their life. We don't have that kind of power. If you are trying to control other people, you've got other things to work on. I'm going to say that lovingly and sternly. If you're trying to control anybody in your life. you're trying to literally make someone different, then they are. You've got some things you can really work on within yourself because you can have boundaries around those things about what you're willing to accept and tolerate and work through and what you're not. Something that I use with my clients a lot of times is I tell them like, are your non-negotiables?

Because there's a lot of things in life that are figureoutable within all relationship dynamics, romantic relationships, friendships, family, acquaintances, coworkers, whatever. There's a lot of things that we can manage and regulate emotionally within ourselves without ever having to make it something bigger than what it is. We do have that potential as human beings. We don't always access it, but we do have that potential as human beings. Then there are things that are absolute non-negotiables for us. And the non-negotiables are what we have to pay attention to because the non-negotiables are the things that are maybe really, really bothersome to us that we don't want to quiet that inner voice inside of us and let ourselves be walked all over.

But that also means that we have to be really clear on what we want our boundary to be. We have to explain that boundary to the person and then we have to follow through on what we say. we're going to do. So I will say in my life, I honestly don't have tons and tons of boundaries. Like I let humans be human. think that that is a big piece of life. Like let humans be human. Humans are going to make mistakes. Humans are going to have errors. Not every person is going to come to you perfectly. That's okay. Like I really try to be mindful. If I'm not a perfect human being, I don't expect other people to be perfect human beings. But if I find myself self betraying, not speaking up about certain things in life, being very bothered by certain things, feeling myself go inward and being suppressed.

Then I know like whatever is creating that behavior in me, especially if I'm aware that it's happening and I've tried to work through it, I might be like, okay, this is a telltale sign that I have to have boundaries around this. This is like a non. negotiable thing for me. And usually if it's a non-negotiable, it's really, really clear. So like the screaming, yelling in communication. I'm so clear that that's just a non-negotiable. It's not something that I'm going to be okay with or tolerate. Humanness, yes. Not being perfectly curated, having some difficulty emotionally regulating, especially if you've never touched a day of this work. Totally human. But you being able to reel it in and speak respectfully and not fly off the handle is definitely something that I expect in us having a conversation.

know, so if you're very attacking, if you are really not regulating, if you are screaming or yelling or using explicit or derogatory language, it's just a non-negotiable for me. You are allowed to be that person the rest of your life, you're just not going to be it with me, right? Like it's just not going to happen. So there's very few things where I can think right off the bat where I'm like, this is a non-negotiable. would say that that's a big one. ⁓ not a fan ⁓ people who lie. That's probably another big non-negotiable for me. If I find out that people have been deceptive, lying, especially around multiple things. like, again, humaneness happens. I know logically, especially as a coach, that when people lie, anybody that lies, people lie because telling the truth is vulnerable.

And when you practice vulnerability and being a truth teller, it means exposure. And exposure means being on a judgment platform, like the risk of being judged, the risk of being misunderstood, the risk of rejection, the risk of emotions like anger or betrayal or whatever it may be. So it takes so much character and emotional regulation, like such emotional intelligence genuinely to be a truth teller, to tell your truths. Even if your truths are not everybody else's truths, to tell your truth, is the highest form of vulnerability because it's saying like, I'm willing to be judged. I'm willing to be misunderstood. I'm willing for someone to see me and have lots of thoughts and emotions about it.

And maybe they're even wrong. Like maybe they don't even see it and understand it. And so maybe I will be out of the tribe. And I've told you guys as human beings, we are tribal. individuals. We want to be loved. We want to be connected to people. We want to be understood. We want to be seen but not abandoned. We want to be human and vulnerable, but again, not judged and not left off the roster. So there's a lot that comes with someone being vulnerable. And as a human being, understand it. And especially as an emotional intelligence coach, I absolutely understand it. So I do have grace and give grace whenever someone feels the need to lie, whether it's a little white lie or it's a big lie. I understand it logically, but in my life, I really try to be such an emotionally regulated individual that anybody can bring to me truth.

That's who I want to be as a human being. I choose in my life that no matter what the news is, Right? What could possibly be delivered to me that I am the person that regulates my nervous system so well that my emotionally intelligent adult shows up to that conversation that I never, I never become so emotionally unregulated by someone's truth that they bring to me, even if it's hurtful, even if it's something that involves me, if it's something that could be so painful for me, I really work hard to be the person that takes accountability. finds responsibility in it if I can, can be the person that says sorry to acknowledge someone else's feelings or emotions, to not ever fly off the handle, to not be derogatory, to not cuss, to not ⁓ speak poorly to someone.

I work really hard in my own nervous system regulation to be that woman. So my expectation because I worked so hard to be that woman is to, my expectation around the boundary of someone lying is pretty darn big, especially if it's something they do multiple times in several different ways where it's now, you know, I'm questioning that I can trust this person because I work so hard to be the person that can be someone who receives someone's truths and knows how to navigate it. So that would be probably one other non-negotiable for me is like if someone is not being truthful and I know that and I'm very intuitive so I can usually feel it even before I have evidence of it. ⁓ You know, that is a boundary for me.

I'm probably going to pull away in some ways. I'm probably not going to be as trusting. I'm probably not gonna have quite the same relationship with someone who is chronic in that area or who has done that multiple times without any accountability or responsibility because I don't desire to surround myself with someone who does that. I understand it and I have grace for it and I know the humanness of it and so I don't hate the person for it. But I choose as a boundary to remove myself from people like that as much as possible. until they can either grow in it until it's something that changes. after trust is broken, it's really hard to rebuild that. And I think all of us kind of know that. So it's not impossible, but it's different.

It's a different dynamic. ⁓ Outside of that, I don't really have a ton of non-negotiable boundaries. But when I do settle in for myself on those non-negotiables, what your job is when you figure those out for yourself is to communicate them. and to honor them because a boundary is something loving again, you do for yourself. It's not about anybody else. Nobody has to actually change who they are, their behavior for your convenience. And when you focus on that they need to, a lot of times that's ego. So a boundary is different in that it's empowering for you. It's just saying, if you continue to do X, Y, Z, I'm just letting you know, like you're allowed to do X, Y, Z, but I don't. tolerate it or I'm not okay with it or it's just not something I allow in my life.

So if it's happening, I'm going to XYZ. I'm going to hang up the phone. I'm going to remove myself from the environment. I'm going to pull my kids out of that environment. I'm going to walk away. I am going to XYZ. You have to be clear on what the boundary is. And here's the thing. It's not considered a boundary unless you have communicated the boundary. So it's not making up boundaries in your head. Like someone upsets you and you mentally go, this is a boundary of mine. ⁓ my gosh, this is a boundary. And then you never communicate that boundary. Your job, again, as hard as it is when setting boundaries is to communicate the boundary. People don't know unless you tell them. So that's another mistake that I would see people making is, well, I set a boundary.

And I'm like, okay, well, how did they respond when you told them? They're like, what do you mean? I'm like, well, how did they respond when you communicated your boundary to them? And they will just stare at me blank. And I'm like, let me guess the boundaries in your head. The boundary is something you're just not going to tolerate. And if they do it, you're just going to say, that's, that's a boundary. That's a boundary of mine. That's a boundary. I'm like, that's not a boundary. A boundary is you clearly communicating with the person, what your boundary is, reminding them that they don't have to honor it. But if they do not, if they choose not to, that you are going to follow through with whatever your own decision is.

It's not so much like I'm going to punish you and you're going to experience this consequence. It's more so like, I'm here's where I'm at with this. This is just something that I don't allow in my life. I'm not cool with it. So another thing that I will say too, this is the last one that was probably more of a non-negotiable with me years ago. I mean, I still would enforce this boundary with someone, but being late, I am such a person that really values people's time. So if I'm going to be late to something, if I'm running behind, I am an over communicator in that I tend to show up for things early or right on time. And I have manuals about that and maybe I'll get back into ⁓ a podcast episode on manuals because there was a time where I had an episode and will still do on manuals and what that means.

But basically a manual is like the invisible rule book in our brain. So I have a lot of manuals around time because I feel like it's a respect thing. And I know, again, humaneness, especially if you have children, like you may have all the best intent in the world to be somewhere on time. and you don't always make it. Like we're human, things happen, there's traffic, there's reasons we're going to be late. I'm not that much of a stuck up individual where I don't understand that. My only boundary around this is that if someone's going to be late by more than five, 10, 15 minutes, I appreciate communication around that. So I appreciate like a text message or a phone call or just some indication that like, hey, I know we were supposed to meet at 1230.

I'm gonna be there at like one o'clock per my GPS. or, I'm going to be there at 1 15 because my kid was throwing a fit out the door. I just expect communication. So for a long time, even one of my boundaries was if someone is running super late and they don't have the courtesy or the respect to just voice it, to just tell me like, and they're having me sit somewhere for maybe 30, 45 minutes, an hour longer than what we agreed on. And there's no like I'm talking zero communication. My boundary was I will just get up and leave. I'm going to get up and leave. If you're not communicating it with me and I'm sitting and I'm waiting and I'm sitting and I'm waiting and there's no communication, my boundary is that I'm just going to walk away.

Like I'm going to get up and leave and I'm going to go back home or I'm going to go do what I wanted to do or want to do because why wouldn't you communicate that? But here's my point. If I just leave a restaurant or I just leave a space where a friend has agreed to meet me, and I've never told them that's a boundary, when they show up, they're gonna be really confused. Like, hey, I thought we were meeting for lunch or meeting at this place. If I'm like, well, you broke my boundary, they're gonna be like, what boundary? What are you talking about? What do you mean? Like, where are you? It's gonna be like, well, you broke a boundary. Think of how silly that would be before I have had that communication with them.

So the first time that this happens, what they would… probably look like is if I'm waiting there an hour and they show up and they're all happy to see me and everything, I might be like, you know, hey, in the future, if this happens again, we're going to be this late. Could you just do me a favor, call or text me? Cause I'm just letting you know, girlfriend or whoever it is, whatever. It's like, I'm probably going to leave. Like if it's been more than five to 15 minutes, I'm just assuming you're not coming. And so if you don't communicate that with me, I'm just going to leave and go about my day. I don't even have to say it nasty or super like, is my rule It's just going to be like, girl, I'm leaving.

I'm just telling you because I didn't know if you were coming. You want to make sure that they understand like, no, I'm serious. I'm really serious. You've got to communicate with me. You've got to tell me in a text or phone call or whatever like, hey, girl, I'm running late. I'm really sorry. I'm going to be there at whatever time or I'm doing my best to get there. I'm on my way, whatever it may be, and I'll be okay. It's fine. If this happens again, where there's no communication, like it's not even about them being late. It's about the communication and the courtesy of my time. Cause maybe I can run around the corner and do like an Amazon return or, you know, take that time and spend it in a way like you can come back to the spot we're supposed to meet.

Like it's just a respect thing for me. It's a non-negotiable for me. So after I've communicated very clearly what that boundary is, if they do it again, that is their choice. It's also up to me lovingly for myself to say, you know what? It's been 25 minutes. I've let them know this. There's no communication. I'm getting up and I'm leaving, you know? And if they call and they're like, what the heck you left? Like, yeah, girl, remember I told you if you did not communicate, I'm assuming you're not coming. I left, girl, you know? And they might be pissed and they might be mad, but you clearly communicated the boundary and let them know. So it's, know, a boundary is not something you make up in your head and you never communicate it because you're going to be uncomfortable and they might be mad at you.

You communicate the boundary. You let them know you're non-negotiable. You know, when it's something super non-negotiable for you, you feel a type of way about it. It's not something you can manage in your own mind. It's not something you're easily ready to get over, you know, by doing your own mind management. If it's beyond that, if it's something that's really impacting you or affecting you, you're feeling a type of way, it's going to shift the tension in the relationship. then that's probably a telltale sign it's a boundary. For anything else that just kind of rolls off your back or off your shoulder, you don't really care about it. It's like, whatever. I don't need a boundary for that.

But a boundary like, you know, is something that's maybe like really truly a non-negotiable for you. So you just want to figure out what that is. Okay. All right. Well, I hope this episode, updated episode of boundaries helps you just remember to make sure that you're clear on what your boundary is, that you communicate that boundary and that you follow through on what you say you're going to do. If the person does not tone down the behavior, change the behavior, you're not trying to control them. You're not trying to manipulate them. You're not doing anything from your own kind of like ego wanting to control. You are doing it because you have a certain level of self-awareness for yourself.

You know that you don't want to tolerate it and that love that you have for yourself in that specific manner is what makes you follow through on your boundary. It's something loving and respectful you do for yourself. Okay. If you have any questions about this, let me know. If you need coaching on this, please, please reach out, schedule a consult. And I want to tell you that I am going to be doing a freebie. My first freebie in probably over a year and a half ⁓ is coming up. It's all around self-worth. So if you are someone that maybe struggles with your self-worth, if you struggle to feel worthy of certain things, ⁓ if fear or failure and rejection are a pain point for you and you really struggle.

get down in the dumps about yourself whenever you're failing or you're rejected or you notice yourself just having horrible self-talk. Then make sure you're on my email list because I'm going to be sending out stuff for that soon. I'm going to be posting about it and it is going to be a two-day freebie where you get a workbook and all that. There's going to be so many goodies. So just make sure you stay tuned for that. Otherwise I will see you guys next time. Have a great day.