You've Changed. They Don't Like it. Now What?

Automatically transcribed, so the wording is close but not exact.

Macie: Hey friends, welcome back to another episode of This Is Not Your Practice Life podcast. My name is Macie I'm so excited to have you joining me today. We are gonna get right into today's topic, which is all centered around positive changes you're making in your life, but people closest to you really not approving those changes. Why is that? Why are people so flustered and frustrated and saying things like you've changed in a negative tone when you feel better than you've ever felt? When you feel like the changes that you've made in your life have been life altering, life-saving, life-giving. Why is it that those people that you just want the support from are not supporting? Your choices and your changes.

That is what we are going to be diving into today. So, to give you just a quick background, I got into personal development around 12 years ago. And then I hired my very first life coach around 10 years ago. And then I started my coaching business to help women eight years ago. So I've been around the block as far as the personal development, the self-awareness work, and even before all of that, before personal development, before hiring my life coach, you know, before becoming a coach myself. I started therapy at six years old. So I am no stranger to growing and changing and evolving and addressing the things that need to be addressed so that you can heal and you break cycles and you don't take people with you unintentionally through the pain that you've experienced.

Because a lot of times, if we don't break cycles when we've been really hurt, when we've been wronged, when we've had trauma or pain. If we don't heal it or face it and work on it, we will continue the cycle and we'll take people with us in our pain. And after experiencing so much pain in childhood, young adulthood, I just didn't want to unintentionally or subconsciously drag other people through pain because of my pain. So I've I've always been very much so an advocate of do whatever you need to do to heal and grow and become better. So Obviously, it was very surprising when I started doing all of the personal development and coaching work. And the people that I thought would be very happy that I was changing and evolving and growing and feeling better about my life and doing things that I was excited about in my life.

It was very surprising when there were comments like, You've changed, and it wasn't in a positive, happy manner, it was like they were highly disappointed, almost offended by me changing. And this was really confusing and obviously very hurtful. So if you've ever experienced this where you are just so happy, the happiest you've ever been, you're excited about what you're learning. And what you're doing and how your life is changing. And then you're met with resistance from maybe people you want and crave the support from most. Let me tell you why this happens. There are a lot of roles that we play in our lives that we're naturally kind of thrown into in childhood. Our personality starts to develop, our identity starts to develop.

We're taking in so much within our little brain. We're showing up authentically as who we are, but we are also being shaped by how people respond to us, other people's beliefs and values and practices, our routines at home, morals, how you know, just how our parents, our caregivers shape us, the traumas we experience. There's just so much that goes into how we evolve as a human being over the years and who we really become. And one of the things that happens without us even realizing it is we are geared as human beings for wanting to feel loved, for wanting to feel safe and accepted. We're very tribal. If you go back to the real early caveman days, survival and being in a tribe was of utmost importance because it truly was how we thrived.

And we needed to have a tribe of people that we could count on and we wanted to be loved. And we our biggest fear was we can't get pushed out of the tribe because if that happens, we may not survive. Those instincts, though we have evolved as human beings, don't really go away. They're very much ingrained with in within us. So we want to fit in. We want people to approve of us. We want to be valued. We want to feel loved and A lot of times subconsciously, even feeling worthy comes from what feedback we're being given and how people approve of us in our life. So when you start to become self-aware, you make this work a priority, you start improving your emotional intelligence, you start improving your mindset, you learn that the world is full of possibility and maybe the beliefs or the expectations.

That you have had placed on you based on other people's expectations, you realize you can come out of that box. So this work becomes something that inadvertently becomes just empowering. And where you once maybe felt stuck or blocked or things felt impossible. Now you suddenly realize much more is available to you in the world and a lot is possible, but you have to grow into the person. Who can go after it, who can sustain it, who can achieve it, even if it's little things. Like if you've grown up in a very negative environment and you start to break out of that, you start to learn that not everything in the world is surrounded in negativity. It's what you look for, it's what's available to you.

And if you want to find positivity, you can find it. If you've been surrounded by negative family members or negative friends, there are positive people out there in the world. So it doesn't even have To mean like tangible, materialistic changes you can make, but like internal changes if you're constantly sad and depressed, and that is all you've known, because it's all you know, anybody has ever been around you, there's more out there in the world. And when you realize this and when you find those exciting moments where it's like, ⁓ here I've been living in this little box and I can come out of my box. That's pretty exciting. When you start to do that, the people closest to you won't always like that.

And here is why in these identities and roles and expectations that we have, whether we have put ourselves in that place for making sure we don't ever get ⁓ pushed out of the tribe, making sure that we are always liked and lovable. What you know, whether it is truly because of what we've gained from being that. Person or someone, you know, someone's influence has pushed us into that role. When we start to change that, what actually starts to create that tension and that resistance in the people that we love and want the support from most is a fear-based response of us changing because it stops serving something that has benefited them many times. So Let's say, like, I'm gonna try and give multiple examples.

Let's say that in your friend group, they have always been used to having the friend group that talks about other people, maybe negatively, gossiping, sharing, venting sessions, getting, you know, like sulking in each other's dramas, and that feeds something on a social level for. Especially for women to get together like that, it genuinely, this is science, releases an oxytocin release. And oxytocin is our love happy drug. It's the same hormone that is released whenever a woman has a baby, when you connect intimately with a partner that you're in love with, you know, if you're dating, you have those ⁓ feelings, that's an oxytocin release. When women get together and they are talking and You know, whether it's gossiping, venting, whatever, the same is true.

Our brain releases oxytocin. So if you have been that friend that goes into a group and you're like about everybody and everyone, and that is how the friend group operated, and suddenly you start doing more self awareness work, more emotional intelligence work, and you realize I actually want to focus on my own life. Or where I'm going, not get into a group and gossip and talk about people and you know, sulk in all of our negative experiences. When you change that behavior, you're probably going to get resistance and not the best response from that friend group. Why is that? There is fear that is released in that because you're evolving and changing. You're changing the dynamic. And there's there can be fear on both sides.

There can be fear of. Well, you've changed and I don't like that. This was always what gave me my oxytocin release. You, in your old identity, in your old role, fulfilled a need of the group. And now that you're not fulfilling that role and the need of our group, there is risk for you to be pushed out of the tribe. So for some, when you start growing and changing and you feel this tension in your friend group, you might have a fear response. I'm going to be pushed out of the tribe. And you either go, this is who I'm gonna have to be to be in this friend group, or my friend group is going to have to grow and change with me, or I am going to have to leave this friend group and let them just be angry for as long as they're angry.

And that might also mean that our friendship dynamic falls apart. So there are so many ways that this happens when we start growing, evolving, and changing in a parent child role. If you have always said yes to everything, we're talking as grown adults. If you have always said yes to everything your parents want out of you, so I want you to come to Christmas, even though Uncle Joe is going to be there, and Uncle Joe has done some horrible things to you. you don't feel comfortable, you don't want to coexist and be in a room with Uncle Joe, even though it's it's Christmas, but you've been so used to fulfilling The identity and the role of yes, yes, yes, yes to whatever your parents want. So even in an adult body, you may have this response ⁓ one day you've been doing again all of this evolving healing work.

You're you're learning how to speak up, you're learning how to be assertive, you're learning how to set boundaries, you're learning how to say no. And maybe there's a day where you enforce to your parents, I'm not coming to Christmas. I'm not going to tell you not to have Uncle Joe there. You get to do what you want, but I don't feel comfortable. So here are the options. I'm either not coming if Uncle Joe is coming, or I will come before they arrive, or I will come after they arrive, or we can schedule a different day where you get to have your Christmas party and Uncle Joe is there, and I will come visit and do Christmas with you and the kids and whatever on another day. Well When you break out of this pattern that your parents have celebrated with you for 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, they're not going to like that you've changed.

They're not going to like that you set boundaries. They're not going to like that you're assertive. They're not going to like that you're making decisions that suddenly are so different from maybe the yes person that you have been. It's a fear-based response. It's a, I don't like that. You're Old identity served me in some way. It served my comfortability. It served what I like to experience. So this is an especially hard thing for people pleasers. And a lot of the clients that come to me are trying to get into ⁓ recovery with people pleasing, right? They're like, I people please all the time. I know that I do it. I don't like that I do it. I don't want to be this person. Help me like. Learn the EQ skills, the emotional intelligence skills to stop being such a people pleaser.

Because when I don't people please, it then turns into what's the I'm looking for? Like guilt. They they go into guilt, they go into second guessing themselves, they are so uncomfortable in their nervous system and their body that they want to ⁓ go back. on the answer that they gave in order to people please. So if they're used to being a yes person and then suddenly they say no, but the person they say no to is like, you've changed. I do not like that. Why are you saying no? And you've always told me yes, the discomfort that happens in your own body may be something that puts you back into old patterns and cycles if you haven't built up emotional intelligence around that. So when that happens and there's risk of being unlovable, unlikable, pushed out of the tribe.

disagreed with, ⁓ not approved of, you know, it breaks the expectations, it breaks the whole dynamic of what the relationship was, that can be a very scary thing for you, for my clients, for myself. And it's just not a comfortable situation. So there's so many ways that this can show up. And when we Advocate for ourselves when we grow, it breaks what people expect of us and the ways in which who we were at that time served the entire dynamic. So at some point, you have gotten into the patterns and relationships that you're in because it served, it served you. So we have to take accountability of that, right? In some ways, it probably served you, it gave you companionship. It, you know, it gave you validation.

It contributed to the worthiness that you felt, to feeling needed, to feeling wanted, to feeling loved. We can't take away our responsibility. The biggest thing with coaching work is that yes, there can be so much that you observe and notice in other people, but the most important part of coaching work is to take responsibility for your part in it as well. Even if you got let's say shoved into these roles because they started in childhood. There's still a responsibility of like, how did I get into this place? Why did I get into this place? And why did it feel good to me for a long time? Why do I want to break out of it now? And why is it important for me to have my back even when I get pushback or resistance?

And what what work do I need to do moving forward to make sure I don't go back into old patterns? Because this is so uncomfortable. And that's where the emotional intelligence work really comes in. So this shows up in a lot of ways. It can show up in your work setting. Maybe there's something that you know co-workers were always used to, whether you wanted to do it or you didn't. And now you're changing, you're evolving, you don't have time for it, you don't want to engage in it, you don't want to do it. That might be problematic. It may mean loss. You know what I mean? You may lose the relationships that you once had, all in the name of them saying you've changed, and you having to say to yourself, is that problematic?

Or am I truly happy and living the best version of me? Is my response, ⁓ God, I've changed, that's bad, or is your response, thank God, because who I was before did not feel Authentic to me, good to me. It was a different version of me that was ultimately created and maintained out of survival, out of wanting to be liked, loved, validated. And I wanted my worthiness reinforced. And it was when I played that old role. So we have to be okay at certain points in our growth with the pushback we're going to get. And When we stay true to ourselves and we stay on this growth journey, another thing that happens is you will start attracting other individuals who are growth-oriented like you. So relationships do evolve and change.

It doesn't mean you can't have healthy relationships with everybody that has brought you to where you are today. It just means if that person can't accept, Who you are evolving into and becoming, yes, that dynamic may change. Yes, that dynamic may fall off. If they are not willing at all to just accept what has transpired, if they do not honor like where you are. So that can be really scary for us on both, on both ends. And with that, you have to know. the changes that you're making, they have to feel really good to you that you want to love your reasons. You want to really be able to step back and look at your life and and be like, is has everything that I've changed within myself been worth it?

And I really haven't ever met an individual and I think even of myself, where changes I've made for the better to make my life better, to make me feel better, to become more emotionally intelligent, to have a better mindset. I've never regretted it. Every single thing that I do my self-development journey has only led to bigger opportunities, meeting more amazing people, having stronger relationships, learning how to even coexist in a very healthy way with relationships that were once very hard, where there was resistance present and where I once wanted just the support of like, just support me in the growth and changes. What I had to realize is. The old version of me served these people in some way.

It allowed them to get something that maybe they were missing, that maybe they really wanted, or, you know, whether it was like different favors, being a yes girl, whatever it may be, it my old version served them really well. My new version doesn't serve them the same exact way. For some people, that that's very problematic and you will get resistance. So when you are doing this work and you're growing and evolving and changing and you can feel the energetic differences, you can feel some relationships tapering off, you can feel like a pull away, you can, you can feel the resistance, maybe you're getting actual pushback being said to your face. When you feel all of this, you have to go back to your reasons for why you wanted the growth and the change to begin with and remind yourself: am I the happiest that I've ever been?

Am I the healthiest I've ever been, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually? Am I in a good place? Like have the changes that I've made led to a life that feels more peaceful to me and better to me, or or has it truly created a monster in me? And most times it's that's not the case. So when we change to, we also, because our vibration becomes different, I've always described this as thinking of it like an old time radio that has different channels. If you were on, I'm gonna just give the local channels to my Kentucky local Louisville peeps, but if you were on channel 99. 7 for a very long time, that channel 99. 7 served a lot of people. You related to everyone on 99. 7. So, you know, there's a lot of people that love you when you're being that channel.

It matches their channel. It's it's great. But if that's the channel where you were gossiping. Where you were talking about other people, where you were consumed with everybody else's life and not really living your own, where you functioned on autopilot, where you were a people pleaser, where you were a yes person, even when you want to say no, where you're resentful, where you're angry, where you're unhealthy, when you have unhealthy coping skills, you're maybe drinking, you're smoking, doing drugs, over shopping, overeating, that is the that you've been. It we get used to that. Now, when you start growing and you go to channel 101. 3, everyone that is on 99. 7 is probably gonna say something about it because they're like, Who are you?

You used to be 99. 7 all the time. You remember when we were vibing on the same channel? You remember when we were all on the same vibrational frequency? And whenever you say something like, I couldn't function at that channel anymore, I had to outgrow it. I had to I had to do something different. I couldn't live my life on that channel any longer. When you say that to someone and they are like, well, I don't, I don't see anything wrong with it. I don't see any reason to change it. I thought that everything was good. I like that version of you. I'm not so sure I'm happy with this version of you. Like you've changed. It's not, it's not working. Like, what are you doing? There's two options you have.

You either go back to 99. 7 or you keep going, you stay at your current channel, 101. whatever I said, right? And in doing that, what will happen is the people around you over time, it's usually not right away, they will either stay at that channel. So the relationship is different. It doesn't mean it's cut off, but the relationship is a little different. You don't quite understand each other at the same at the same frequency. Or In seeing the changes in you and seeing the positive effect that it's having on your life, sometimes they're inspired and they come up to your vibrational frequency, your channel 101 point, whatever I said. So it's really it can be like such an empowering thing just to be sometimes the person that goes first.

And you might be the person in your life that goes first. But You going first also has the potential to be a ripple effect. Now, in saying all of that, this makes it sound easier than it often feels. So if you're if you're wanting to do this work, that is what I help clients do. If you're wanting to be able to let yourself maintain this work, maybe you've already started elsewhere, maybe you've been reading personal development books, you've been listening to podcasts, you know, maybe you've worked with other people, maybe you've been in therapy a long time. And now you're in this part where there's a lot of resistance and you it doesn't feel good. And now you need the EQ skills to maintain it so that you don't go back to a place where you don't want to be.

I can help with that as well. So if this episode resonated with you, drop some comments, drop some likes, make sure to subscribe. Wherever you're listening, whether it's YouTube or any other platform, thank you for being here. And if this resonates with you, please share it with a friend. Tell someone about the podcast. You never know how these episodes can change someone's life and it can do it for free. So once you've passed it along to them, that's on them. But you can extend the opportunity for them to upgrade their channel to go from 99. 7 to 101 to 103 point something to 105. something, right? We have this opportunity in life to really evolve and see what we can connect ourselves to at all of these different Frequencies we grow into.

And when I think about that, I get really, really excited. I know that I'm at a certain channel and frequency now, but I know how committed I am to always evolving and doing this work. So my channels are always going to be changing. And that means relationships and dynamics and things that people are happy with and not happy with may always be changing too. But if I have the EQ skills, I can handle and regulate my nervous system through it and trust it. And then every single Opportunity at those different frequencies, different doors open, new opportunities arise, different people come into your life. You never know what is possible until you get to that frequency. So it's worth it to do the work.

And when people say you've changed, my response is thank God. Thank God. Because who I was 10 years ago before I met my coach, totally different individual. I feel like I've lived 20 lives over the course of 10 years. But Every single one of them has been better than the last. And there are some people that are still at the same frequency. And I just decided in my life I don't want to be at the same frequency 10 years from now. So if you know that that is you and you've been at a frequency for a while and you've been wanting to break out of it, but you know, like everything that's gonna cause the resistance, you know, people are not gonna like it because. It changes the identity that they've known you to be and how that served them.

And now you're gonna break away from it. If that scares you, out for support because let me just tell you, there's so much good on the other side. And I have an amazing community of women that are on the same or very similar frequencies in life that can just support you in this phase and and it is so worthwhile. So reach out on macierenae. com ⁓ and book a sixty minute consult if I can help you. And I look forward to it. Have a great day and I will see you very soon. Bye.